The F-bomb

Yesterday. My son is napping, sleeping off the last bits of whatever gave him a 100 degree fever.  The phone rings.  It's the pre-school disciplinarian, calling with a question: 

Were you aware your son dropped the f- word in aftercare yesterday?

The backstory: Connor was, unbeknownst to everyone, busy rocking a fever. Shortly before getting picked up, falling asleep during the 7 minute car ride home, and sleeping for fifteen hours, a playmate snatched a toy away. When that happened, Connor muttered, "What the fuck!?!" 

The aftercare teacher wrote us a note, and let our babysitter know. So yes, I was aware.  But she goes on.  

When he said it, the teachers were shocked - shocked! - that a student would say such a thing. 

I'm sorry to hear that. Clearly, no student has ever sworn in class before. My condolences to you and your staff for having witnessed such a traumatic event, the loss of innocence for my son, the other four and five year olds in your care, and for your teachers, who clearly have been blessed to be untouched by the harshness and cruelties of this plane of existence.

And the kids all heard it and went "oooohhh!"

Huh. If this has never happened before, how were the kids attuned to react to one of the seven  verboten words? I call bullshit. (I know, my choice of language clearly makes me guilty.)

I'm not questioning where he heard this language...

Read: I know you swear in front of your kid.  And I am judging you.

... I just wanted to let you know.

Read: You are going to talk to him about that, right?

What I wanted to say was:

Really? Let's get a few things straight. First off, I'm more than aware of his cussing.  The after care teacher wrote us a note, she told our babysitter, and now you've told me. So no, there wasn't some catastrophic organizational failure that prevented this from being known.  You know what? the only thing inappropriate was his choice of words - his reaction was totally appropriate.  Inappropriate would have been what I did at age two, sitting on my grandfather's lap in church, singing the alphabet at mid-volume during service: "A-B-C-D-E-F-G... shit! Shit shit shit!"

And the teachers were shocked? Really ? If they haven't had to deal with outbursts of salty language then they're so new at the job I should be concerned.  Hell, I've been to playtime at that school and heard a few toddlers use words that would make a sailor blush. And if the kids had any understanding of how inappropriate and powerful such words were, they'd blurt them in front of the teachers, when the Mayor comes to visit, and any other time when they know they're guaranteed to get a reaction.  And yes, I admit, I swear in front of my kids.  In fact, I'm not proud to say it, I've sworn at my kids.  But - and this might shock you - my son has only used the mother of all profanities once in my presence, when he parroted the exasperated phrase I uttered as a mantra after a skateboarder plowed into the side of my car while I was waiting at a stop sign... when said board rat didn't get up for two minutes.  And I prided myself in calmly dealing with the issue, removing any power from the phrase so his two-year-old mind didn't lock in on it.

Oh, and let me add - his context was immaculate.  That is precisely the right time to blurt "what the fuck?!?"  You know what? I'm proud of him.  He may read at a third grade level, but his profanity is high school quality.  Call me back when he starts using the gerund version of the f-bomb, or when he moves to graduate level cussing (i.e. interstitial profanity, like if he were to mutter what I said to myself when you called: un-fucking-believable).

Yeah, that's what I should have said. But what I did say was, "I already did."  But I did hang up the phone right after, as passive-aggressively as I could.